We will not be maintaining more than one service as an offsite notification location; having more than one place to update also drastically decreases the likelihood someone will do it in a crisis.

We are talking "several posts a year" volume here; this is not a "we will be posting every day and it doesn't matter when people see it" volume level like your examples. It's purely an offsite status page for if the site is down and people will need to be able to see it if the site is down. "Good enough" uptime isn't for that purpose.